Re-birth

I haven't blogged in a while. For those who do read it, I apologize. Today marks a day of re-birth. Dale and I unfortunately broke up. He needs to focus on his studies and his life and frankly, I do as well. It's hard to adapt to when someone your life was so enveloped in is gone, but it's not impossible.

On a happy note, I've lost even more weight lately. I'm not entirely sure how much, but I know I have because my clothes fit differently now. I broke my iPod so I've been lazy on the working out aspect, but I'm back on the horse. I tend to fall off the work out wagon a lot, but I never turn my back up to it. I always chase it again.

One last happy thing, I got another job. I'm now a calligraphy tutor at a local tattoo parlor. I'm so excited!

The Wagon

The journey in which one goes on in pursuit of losing weight, or "The Wagon," as I like to call it, is one that I battle staying on. I wobble and fall off sometimes, but I ALWAYS get back on. For the past 2 weeks, the wagon has been pretty steady. With the help of my AMAZING boyfriend, I've lost 9lbs, leading to a collective 57 lost in a year. I've been eating well and I'm so proud of myself. He's also wicked supportive, as are my friends. And Will O'Brien. This kid. He goes to my school and is so helpful. He gives me a surplus of tips when I ask him and I appreciate all he does for me when it comes to working out. Boyfriend, however, is my backbone. He helps me pick out what to eat, BUYS MY GROCERIES (sweetest kid ever, right?), keeps me on track when I want to ingest the Doritos he's consuming, and despite of all that, he still doesn't want me to change. I've always been pretty good at self motivating, but having people there for me is pretty awesome, I must say. Especially my parents, for taking the time to get me a gym membership, cook me healthy food, and buy me food when Dale can't. Oh oh! Dale asked me to prom. He has had his mind set that he was done with high school and would not go to a high school function, but he asked me. He actually wrote me a "parking ticket" and inscribed on it was "Prom?" Of course, I said yes. Now I have to work harder than ever to find the cutest dress possible. My first prom AND I'm a senior? Oh yes. It's gonna be real.

Life is a lot like weight loss

This weekend has been a wild one, to say the least. Got into some disputes with my parents, my beau says I'm clingy and come over too much, a few mental battles and internal conflict. My post about my bulimia raised some eyebrows in the household, which as been settled. I think life is a lot like weight loss. It requires a lot of dedication to finesse and tone. Balance is key. Just as you have to balance what you take it, paired with exercise to get a weight loss result, life requires balance. I need to balance boyfriend, parents, school, and myself. In fact, I need to love myself. Balance is so important and I need it in my life.

2.0...FML

Well. I have to work at Michaels today. Not so bad. Saw my boo yesterday and we had classic Friday "date night." Always fun. There is a problem though. When I finally start feeling well, BAM: Bronchitis 2.0 hits me like a truck. I woke up full of mucus and a scratchy throat. It SUCKS. I need to live in a bubble. But whatever. I'm going to the gym this morning before work.

Mornin'!

It's Friday, Friday! This week was long. Very long. But it's over AND I'm back down to 194. Hopefully I'll never see those other numbers again. It's inspiring and gives me hope when I see subtle differences in my life. Whether it's turning down Doritos that my boyfriend taunts me with or seeing the pounds on the scale slowly go down. I know eventually it will stop, and I will gain, but only because I'll be building muscle. But if there is one thing I need, just as so many other people, it's commitment. I need to commit to a lot of things, specifically loving myself. I need to commit to waking up in the morning, lacing up my sneakers, and heading out the door, especially when I wake up on my own accord. This is something that holds me back. Maybe it's the thought of success. The thought of actually getting what I want internally terrifies me. I don't know. But regardless, I need to overcome this. I've not assessed how to do so, but it needs to be done if I plan on doing ANYTHING with my life. 

On a Wednesday night

WELL. Wednesday's are usually date night with my boyfrann, but not tonight. I contemplated eating myself into a stupor, and I'll admit I DID down a fair amount of pasta with few calories to spare left in my daily intake. As I shoveled pasta down my esophagus, I realized "I'm better than this. I can't keep turning to food when I'm upset." Though, when I genuinely am upset or stressed, I don't eat, but I decided to put the fork down, flip on the TV and DIGEST what I consumed.

There is something many people don't know about me. In fact, my parents don't even know..until now. I've battled bulimia since September, 2012. I've kept it under wraps other than a small circle of friends, but if I'm going to open up about my weight loss journey, this needs to be known. I don't want "pity," nor do I want to be looked at differently, although I might be. This is not something to easily open up about and it isn't easy to overcome. There comes a time when you do  something enough, you become accustomed to it. That's how my body reacts when I eat. My brain will say "purging is a stupid idea, what is wrong with you," but my body reads it as "I need to be thin in order to be happy, therefore I must puke this up." Now, I KNOW being thin will not make me happy. Loving myself will make me happy. Loving others and letting them love ME will make me happy. It took me a while to acknowledge that and I'm working to fix it everyday. This is an uphill battle every time I'm faced with a meal option, but I know I'm strong. If I can let go of 50+ pounds, I can kick this terrible, terrible habit. People need to come to terms with we are all faced with something we dislike about ourselves; something we want to improve upon. I say go for it. Fix what you need to fix in order to be pleased and fulfilled not only with your current decision, but your life as well. However, one must do it wisely and in a healthy way. It has took me a little over half a year to see that and I work through it every day. I just want to be the best Kassie I can.

Weekly Weigh In #1

Well, I weighed myself yesterday (Monday, March 4th) and weighed in at 197 with a 2-8 pound variability. I say this because I weighed myself in the afternoon and you weigh more in the evening than in the morning and I tend to eat and chug water, you know? Well whatever. Either way, I'm 2 pounds down from last week which is awesome! I was able to get down to 194 a couple weeks ago, shot back up to 200 in less than a week, and now I'm back at steady weight loss of about 2 pounds. I have not gone to the gym in the AM yet due to me fighting off a nasty chest cold, but I feel well enough to attempt it now. (: Tomorrow is a new day, so hopefully I'll be doing the lower body routine I have laid out for myself. I'm excited. Only difference is, once I start lifting, I have to start avoiding the scale completely due to water retention and muscle mass. This isn't bad, seeing that I have a goal size I want to reach, but it is a bit unnerving. Oh well! Have a happy Tuesday, e'ry body <3