WELL. Wednesday's are usually date night with my boyfrann, but not tonight. I contemplated eating myself into a stupor, and I'll admit I DID down a fair amount of pasta with few calories to spare left in my daily intake. As I shoveled pasta down my esophagus, I realized "I'm better than this. I can't keep turning to food when I'm upset." Though, when I genuinely am upset or stressed, I don't eat, but I decided to put the fork down, flip on the TV and DIGEST what I consumed.
There is something many people don't know about me. In fact, my parents don't even know..until now. I've battled bulimia since September, 2012. I've kept it under wraps other than a small circle of friends, but if I'm going to open up about my weight loss journey, this needs to be known. I don't want "pity," nor do I want to be looked at differently, although I might be. This is not something to easily open up about and it isn't easy to overcome. There comes a time when you do something enough, you become accustomed to it. That's how my body reacts when I eat. My brain will say "purging is a stupid idea, what is wrong with you," but my body reads it as "I need to be thin in order to be happy, therefore I must puke this up." Now, I KNOW being thin will not make me happy. Loving myself will make me happy. Loving others and letting them love ME will make me happy. It took me a while to acknowledge that and I'm working to fix it everyday. This is an uphill battle every time I'm faced with a meal option, but I know I'm strong. If I can let go of 50+ pounds, I can kick this terrible, terrible habit. People need to come to terms with we are all faced with something we dislike about ourselves; something we want to improve upon. I say go for it. Fix what you need to fix in order to be pleased and fulfilled not only with your current decision, but your life as well. However, one must do it wisely and in a healthy way. It has took me a little over half a year to see that and I work through it every day. I just want to be the best Kassie I can.