Sunday, April 7, 2013

Starting over? Not so easy.

Again, it's been a long time since I blogged. A lot has happened. With Dale and I's break up, I guess I've been wallowing in self pity? It's been like, 3 weeks, but I'm still upset. I'm doing my best to be happy, though. Hell, I'm in a consistent size 12 now, but I feel like a piece of me is missing now. I want to be his friend; I want to start over, but it isn't easy. He wanted to be my friend first but now he is so stand offish. I feel like I've lost my will power to do well, ANYTHING. He was my number one supporter and now he is the reason I don't want to do this anymore. I know, I know. You should never let someone dictate your actions. But it isn't that simple sometimes. When that person was with you at your lowest, lifted you up, and pushed your ass to move it, it's kind of hard to drop that. Oh, did I mention he bought my groceries? Yeah.

So I'm now single and in debt. Marvelous. I shouldn't use my weight loss as a weapon. I shouldn't lose weight to spite him or make him "want me," but that is the one thing that IS keeping me going. Someone told me that I need to do some self searching to see why I want to lose weight. They said when I figure that out, regardless of my life situations, I'd constantly stay motivated and when I'm happy with myself, people around me would gravitate toward me and feed off of my personal happiness. Thing is, I've not yet discovered what that internal motivation is. Perhaps on the next blog (god forbid not in the next 3 weeks), I would have discovered it. But for now, it's time for bed. It's the final quarter of my senior year and I'm determined to end it right.

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