WELL. I've decided to do something outrageous...

My weight is kinda of stuck in the 190s at the moment. Not that bothered by it (yet) seeing as I'm focused on other things. I've got 2 guitar playing parts in 2 of my best's friends performances and I'm thinking of joining a 5K! Me, a 5K? Yeah, I'm crazy.

Honestly, I've been wanting to do this for ages. I want to participate in The Color Vibe 5K in June. Basically, you register and when the day comes, you do your 5k. The fun part is while you run (or walk/jog/roll, whatever), you are blasted with paint powder by the volunteers and bystanders at the end of the race, you have a color explosion.

The thing is, I've never trained for one. SO. I am going to start. I have no idea how, but I'm going to. I think I'm going to download an app for it. Zombies, Run! 5K seems to be intriguing. It isn't free, but it's only like, 2 bucks on the Android Market thingy. Either way, I'm excited to do it.

What do I want?

So, Dale and I are done. Kaput. Finito. Never to come in contact on purpose again type of done. And you know what? As hard as this is, I'm going to be okay with that. He had a lot of qualities I could do without. I admit, I was out of line sometimes. I said some things I never should have said about someone I've never even met. But he was also in the wrong for provoking them after I expressed we'd rather not bring this person into the conversation. Ever. Or at least until I was fully over him. I feel like I enveloped myself into the relationship we had so much that I lost sight of what I wanted (outside of weight loss). SO I've decided to make a list of what I want in someone, be it a friend or something more serious. I think it's good to be firm in my standards.

What do I want in someone:
Educated (consistently): We're talking like, aspiring to go to higher levels of education
Ambitious: Have a plan with what you want to do. Please.
Kind: Be nice overall
Respectful: Respect me, my friends, and my family. Don't talk about hooking up with other people while you're in a relationship with me. I will not react well.
Insightful and interactive: I like to talk. A lot. I don't want to have a conversation with someone who won't talk or does not have anything to talk about.
Initiator: Text or call me sometimes. Plan dates. I won't do all the work.
Makes time for me (and enjoys my company): I know everyone is busy, but it isn't that hard to make time for your girlfriend sometimes and ENJOY when she is around instead of saying they come over too much (2 or 3 days out of the week.
Preferably active: I like to be active so if you sit on your ass, I will run right past you.
Communicative: If there are problems, we talk about it.Point blank.
Affectionate: If we are serious, a little PDA doesn't hurt. Holding hands can be fun if you make it.
Dedicated: Don't. Cheat. On. Me.
Preferably employed: I don't mind spending on my significant other, but it's good to have cash in your own pocket
Spontaneous: I love spontaneity. No, I don't expect flowers or concert tickets (though, those are nice), but a nice hug from behind is always appreciated.
Loves me FOR me: If you can handle my emotions, randomness, outgoing and vibrant attitude and affection, you're golden.

Now, don't get me wrong, Dale did many of these things. But he didn't do them to a standard to which I find appropriate. I deserve 100% if that's what I'm putting out. Kay? Kay. I will no longer settle.

Time to change

I don't think I ever shared that I cut my hair. Yup. Shaved all that shit off. Well, I still have some. I got a pixie cut. Today was the first day back since break and no one recognized me. I guess it's good to have a change. I gained 3 pounds, but I don't think that is from bad eating. I'm pretty sure it's from water retention and...that time.

Well regardless, weight loss is hard. And slow. And potentially frustrating. In fact, something in me just did NOT want to work out at all. No idea what it was. Probably my allergies. They tend to drain the life out of me. I did go, though. I made a commitment that since Dale and I broke up that I'd do what makes me happy. Working out makes me happy, even if I don't want to do it at the time. Afterwards, I felt pretty damn good. I think this hair cut is something I needed. I can't "hide" anymore, not like my hair before made me able to do so. But I think my haircut has empowered me to put a bit more effort into my looks (at least for a little while). I've lost nearly 60 pounds and that deserves to be seen, you know? I think so, anyway. I have a little figure showing, but it's not where I want to be yet. Unfortunately, it's getting hot and my shorts no longer fit. I'm proud of my progress though.

Starting over? Not so easy.

Again, it's been a long time since I blogged. A lot has happened. With Dale and I's break up, I guess I've been wallowing in self pity? It's been like, 3 weeks, but I'm still upset. I'm doing my best to be happy, though. Hell, I'm in a consistent size 12 now, but I feel like a piece of me is missing now. I want to be his friend; I want to start over, but it isn't easy. He wanted to be my friend first but now he is so stand offish. I feel like I've lost my will power to do well, ANYTHING. He was my number one supporter and now he is the reason I don't want to do this anymore. I know, I know. You should never let someone dictate your actions. But it isn't that simple sometimes. When that person was with you at your lowest, lifted you up, and pushed your ass to move it, it's kind of hard to drop that. Oh, did I mention he bought my groceries? Yeah.

So I'm now single and in debt. Marvelous. I shouldn't use my weight loss as a weapon. I shouldn't lose weight to spite him or make him "want me," but that is the one thing that IS keeping me going. Someone told me that I need to do some self searching to see why I want to lose weight. They said when I figure that out, regardless of my life situations, I'd constantly stay motivated and when I'm happy with myself, people around me would gravitate toward me and feed off of my personal happiness. Thing is, I've not yet discovered what that internal motivation is. Perhaps on the next blog (god forbid not in the next 3 weeks), I would have discovered it. But for now, it's time for bed. It's the final quarter of my senior year and I'm determined to end it right.

Re-birth

I haven't blogged in a while. For those who do read it, I apologize. Today marks a day of re-birth. Dale and I unfortunately broke up. He needs to focus on his studies and his life and frankly, I do as well. It's hard to adapt to when someone your life was so enveloped in is gone, but it's not impossible.

On a happy note, I've lost even more weight lately. I'm not entirely sure how much, but I know I have because my clothes fit differently now. I broke my iPod so I've been lazy on the working out aspect, but I'm back on the horse. I tend to fall off the work out wagon a lot, but I never turn my back up to it. I always chase it again.

One last happy thing, I got another job. I'm now a calligraphy tutor at a local tattoo parlor. I'm so excited!

The Wagon

The journey in which one goes on in pursuit of losing weight, or "The Wagon," as I like to call it, is one that I battle staying on. I wobble and fall off sometimes, but I ALWAYS get back on. For the past 2 weeks, the wagon has been pretty steady. With the help of my AMAZING boyfriend, I've lost 9lbs, leading to a collective 57 lost in a year. I've been eating well and I'm so proud of myself. He's also wicked supportive, as are my friends. And Will O'Brien. This kid. He goes to my school and is so helpful. He gives me a surplus of tips when I ask him and I appreciate all he does for me when it comes to working out. Boyfriend, however, is my backbone. He helps me pick out what to eat, BUYS MY GROCERIES (sweetest kid ever, right?), keeps me on track when I want to ingest the Doritos he's consuming, and despite of all that, he still doesn't want me to change. I've always been pretty good at self motivating, but having people there for me is pretty awesome, I must say. Especially my parents, for taking the time to get me a gym membership, cook me healthy food, and buy me food when Dale can't. Oh oh! Dale asked me to prom. He has had his mind set that he was done with high school and would not go to a high school function, but he asked me. He actually wrote me a "parking ticket" and inscribed on it was "Prom?" Of course, I said yes. Now I have to work harder than ever to find the cutest dress possible. My first prom AND I'm a senior? Oh yes. It's gonna be real.

Life is a lot like weight loss

This weekend has been a wild one, to say the least. Got into some disputes with my parents, my beau says I'm clingy and come over too much, a few mental battles and internal conflict. My post about my bulimia raised some eyebrows in the household, which as been settled. I think life is a lot like weight loss. It requires a lot of dedication to finesse and tone. Balance is key. Just as you have to balance what you take it, paired with exercise to get a weight loss result, life requires balance. I need to balance boyfriend, parents, school, and myself. In fact, I need to love myself. Balance is so important and I need it in my life.